Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
