if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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