I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
