my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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