i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
