I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
