when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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