when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
