So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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