Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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