im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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