Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
