Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
