what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Randomize
