He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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