and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
