I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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