life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
But we have bathrooms and they dont
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
