I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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