Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
