so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
