Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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