Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
