so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
