Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize