oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
