but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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