I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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