Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
