I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
