I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize