i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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