So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Randomize
