I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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