i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
