im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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