I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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