I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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