The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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