I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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