i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
