Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
