We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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