I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
