The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
