I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
