party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize