Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
