dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
