$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also, beer. Big fan.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
