Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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