And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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