This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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