Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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