thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
