I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
