If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
